MY PERSONAL PERSPECTIVE

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July 31, 2009 - Resolution

Friday morning was shaping up to be a busy day. I had some errands to run, food to buy for dinner with our friends, and a couple other odds and ends to take care of. As always, we were looking forward to spending time with our dear friends. I had spent the previous week in mourning, going about my day to day business as best I could. But it was time to reintegrate myself into what we call “life”, being with people, out in the world, living. When I returned the unused dog food to the vet’s office, the last thing I was expecting was to have Oliver returned to me. I anticipated receiving a call from them next week to let me know his ashes were ready to be picked up. I would have had another week to prepare myself. But there he was, being carried gently and tenderly, by Trisha, one of the veterinary technicians. My dog, my Oliver, who weighed 95.4 pounds one week ago, was securely tucked away in a small white box. She slowly and softly moved toward me and presented him to me with respect, and with tears in my eyes I received him. As I drove to the grocery store to pick up the food, my eyes stung as I tried to hold back tears. My heart felt heavy as I recalled the painful memories of the previous weekend.

The grief had returned fully; I don’t think I can go through this again.

I wandered the produce aisle searching for chives. Each step I took felt heavy like lead. I passed a woman and her small child; they were discussing carrots. I walked in the other direction as the chives continued to elude me, mocking me as they hid silently from my notice. Then again in the opposite direction, where a man at the far end stared in my direction. He seemed to be looking directly at me. Is it possible that my pain if visible? Can he see into my aching soul and know that I am grieving? How dare he look so deeply as to be able to witness my feelings.

My eyes finally locked onto the chives, and I snatched them from their clever hiding place.

After the groceries were put away, Oliver was placed lovingly on a small table in our living room, with the clay paw print and few photos surrounding him. As I touched the imprint of his large paw, feeling the swirls of his fur that were baked into the clay and the deep toe pads and claws, remembering all the times I held that paw in my own hands, I breathed deeply and deliberately and said “goodbye Puppy, I miss you, I love you.” This was my closure. I started preparations for the evening’s meal, occasionally gazing in the direction of Oliver’s little shrine, and knowing that he is still here with me, not just on a table in the living room, but deep within my heart, where he lives forever.

As I continue to heal from the pain of losing this most amazing and courageous dog, my friend, my “child”, I will remember all of the fondest and funniest memories of him. I will recall his ups and downs and how he beat the odds so many times as he rebounded with more energy and spirit than before, offering more to me than I ever thought possible, more than any dog has ever before given any human. He taught me how to power through any challenge, to be brave in the face of doom, to live by my own rules, and to find the pure joy in life, living it to the fullest, and letting go of the past while living in the “now”. He has been, and will continue to be, my greatest teacher.

 

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July 29, 2009 - Every Which Way But Normal

Yesterday I laughed. I don't remember why; I think my husband said something that made me laugh. Perhaps it was when we were sharing our favorite memories of Oliver. Usually I laugh every day; I make it a point to laugh. But since Saturday I have felt drained of life. There has been no reason to smile, to laugh... no reason to even speak, except to do my job. What is this roller coaster ride of emotions, anyway? One day I'm crying and I just cannot stop. The next day I am angry with everything and everyone. Then I'm laughing, then crying again, and then I'm angry again. I am not experiencing the grieving process like a normal person. I feel like I'm all over the place, like a roller coaster twisting and turning upside down and inside out.

I wish I could just experience each stage of grief one at a time, like the book explains. I would recognize that I am now depressed, now I’m angry, now I’m bargaining, now I’m coming to resolution, then I will know when I have had closure. Food has lost its flavor and aroma; I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my appetite. Right now I feel that I’m just going through the motions, trying to keep busy to take my mind off of the fact that my Oliver is not here physically with us. The house is so quiet; even the sound of my Emma’s breathing is not enough to pacify me and melt away the despair. My chest aches, and my heart feels heavy. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep.

Someone just told me that I could choose to feel joy, even in this time of sadness. I know she meant well, but I seriously don’t see how that is possible. Look up the definition of “joy” and try feeling this emotion when you are in the depths of despair. It isn’t possible, at least not for me, not yet. But I’ll get there eventually, to this place called “joy”. I suppose for now I will just ride this roller coaster and hope that it comes to a stop soon, or at least slows down, just a little bit.

 

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July 27, 2009 - Processing... Processing...

How is it possible to feel so much sadness over losing a dog? The only thing that is keeping me going right now is my work, and even that is so difficult. I need to become someone else while I'm doing my job, because crying - no, sobbing uncontrollably - just isn't going to cut it while I talk to my patients. I thought I was supposed to pass through my grief stages in a nice neat little order: first I feel shock and disbelief, then I feel depression, then anger, then acceptance, then closure. Well I'm feeling it all at once, all contained in a hot ball of energy filled with pain, anger, denial, disbelief, and depression.

I feel so depressed...

My Oliver did not get to live out his full life!! It isn't fair that he was robbed of a full life. It isn't fair that no matter how extensively I researched breeding programs for a puppy that was given the best start in life by a breeder with the best breeding stock and the best supplementation, the best of everything, that my puppy was the sickest pet I have ever owned!

It's not fair...

I am so angry today at everything. I was angry at my husband. I was angry at someone for posting something on my Facebook wall. I am angry at the vet for not calling and telling me when my dogs ashes will be ready to be picked up.

I'm just so angry...

It's been only two days since we said goodbye, but it feels like an eternity. There is no life in this home. Emma, our other dog, seems to think that she's back in the driver's seat, acting like everything is back to normal. I don't even want to look at her.

I don't even want to look at my husband... If I look into his eyes, he may take some of my pain and grief away. It's MINE! I don't want to give it away right now...

It's my grief...

And yes, I know it will lessen over time. But for now, please, just let me have my grief...

 

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July 26, 2009 - The Transition

Three years, one month and 25 days... this is the time that Oliver spent on this earth. Yesterday was so difficult for us in so many ways. We knew it was time to say goodbye. His kidneys were no longer filtering the toxins from his tired body. Fluid began to accumulate in his belly. He turned away from his favorite tasty snacks, and spent a good portion of the morning in his crate. His condition had deteriorated over night. It was time...

What made it even more difficult was watching him get excited to go for a car ride. To watch him play with his sister Emma, nibbling on her ears and jumping on her back, just as he always does. To see him jump up for a yummy treat that the vet offered him when he arrived for his final visit. To smile with tears in my eyes when he offered sloppy Newfie kisses to everyone. What am I supposed to do with this information? Am I supposed to wait until he stops doing all of those things? Am I supposed to wait until he can no longer stand, or lift his head to offer kisses? No, it's time.  

They took him away, just for a few minutes, to put a catheter in his leg. But it seemed like an eternity to me. The other doctors and staff said goodbye to Oliver in their own ways. Dr. Ford told us what an impact he made in their lives, and that he would be missed. But they will not miss him as I do...  

His passing was peaceful. As I lay next to him on the floor, my body pressed against his, my arm cradling his head, he relaxed into a peaceful, forever sleep as his heart stopped beating. My emotions were purged into his soft fur with a soaking flow of tears that I thought would never end. The pain came in waves as I lay next to him, stroking his fur, talking to him, asking him to please come back to me... 

The intelligent part of my brain knows that this is final. There is no turning back, there is no coming back. His spirit has moved on. But my heart, filled with such pain and anguish, cannot comprehend this. As I grieve, this feeling will intensify, and it will lessen... I may become angry, depressed, and disbelieving. Right now I just feel very numb, with the emotions periodically returning like a typhoon's wave ready to wreak havoc and devastation.  

Oliver has transitioned to a place of peace and freedom, where his spirit can soar. My personal transition is not so peaceful, but I know that I will move through the grief in my own way, in my own time. Eventually I will reflect upon the beautiful memories of Oliver and his time on earth with us. I will continue to learn from him as I remember his courageous spirit, his joy for all of life, and his strength to persevere against all odds. Those are some of the lessons I have learned from him.  

My baby Oliver... I will miss you more than you or anyone will ever understand. I love you.

 

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July 25, 2009 - Anticipatory Grief

Today I grieve the upcoming departure of my sweet Oliver. Yes, I am grieving before we help him transition to the other side. This grief has been with me since May 2007, when he was first diagnosed with kidney failure at 11 months old. After nine days in the ICU he rebounded like no other dog. So we did everything in our power to maintain his health as it was, with homeopathic remedies, acupuncture, and subcutaneous fluids which we administered at home.

The grief response after losing a beloved animal companion is real. It is profound, and deep, and painful in ways many people cannot begin to understand unless they themselves have experienced such a loss. It makes sense to feel the emotions after you say goodbye, but what about the feelings experienced before that time comes? Is that pain any less profound? 

Anticipatory grief in insidious. It is quiet, and very personal. For me, it took up residence in my heart, made a comfortable place for itself and just sat there, waiting. I felt its weight as it staked its claim on the corner of my heart that was so open and full and allowing of love. For two years I have been quietly waiting for the day that our Oliver would let us know that the time had come to leave this earth. Friday, July 24, 2009 was that day.  

He is not a dog that complains. He is strong-willed, confident, and deliriously happy every day of his life. In addition to his kidney failure, he was also diagnosed with severe hip dysplasia and elbow dysplasia at 7.5 months of age; a hygroma on his elbow; eye and ear infections; skin conditions, and a compromised immune system. Yet despite all of these physical challenges, his joy for life was uncompromised. He acted like a physically healthy dog.  

A little over a week ago I experienced an intuitive stirring... I felt it was time to have his blood values checked again. The appointment was scheduled for Saturday July 25. On Friday morning he began to exhibit unusual behavior when he slept through his usual wake time, and refused to come downstairs for breakfast. Now, if you know Oliver, you know that food is his greatest passion in life! Not this time. He nudged his food bowl with his nose, and when he couldn't push the bowl over, he rubbed his nose repeatedly on his mat as if to say "please get that smell out of my nose now!" When he refused a pear, I just knew something was wrong.  

We brought him to see his veterinarian. Although I knew deep inside what his veterinarian's answer would be, I held out hope that I was just imagining things. But the feeling in my heart grew heavier throughout the day. Anticipatory Grief was evolving into full on despair. The news was devastating when it was delivered to me over the phone.  

We are preparing to say goodbye to our Oliver, spending time with him, feeding him morsels of food that he loves. The peanut butter, the Ritz crackers, scrambled eggs, and ice cubes. As I hold him and stroke his fur, though he is still with us, I grieve his passing. We are not certain which day will be the day. Could it be tomorrow? Could it be next week sometime? We will need to take it one day at a time, and in the meantime, we will just be with him. And we will grieve.

 

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July 4, 2009 - Nutrition In A Toxic World

In a perfect world, we would eat three meals a day - perfect portions consisting of protein, fruits, vegetables... all the good stuff, right? That food we would consume would be clean and lean and good for us, right? That was probably true fifty or sixty years ago, but we live in a world that is polluted and filled with toxins. The hamburgers and steaks we eat come from cows that have been injected with hormones, steroids and antibiotics. The fish swim in polluted oceans, and those that are farm raised are also injected with antibiotics. Those beautiful yellow and red and green vegetables have been genetically modified; they have been grown in soil that has been over-farmed which causes the soil to be depleted of the minerals so crucial to the nutritional value of the plant, and they are soaked in pesticides and fertilizer.

The air we breathe is filled with thousands of toxic chemicals. These toxins come from automobile exhaust, wood smoke, cigarettes, industrial plants... and the list goes on. We consume these impurities day in and day out; they are inhaled into our lungs and absorbed through our skin. Children are becoming obese at two years of age. The incidence of diabetes and heart disease is on the rise. Yet we continue to consume foods that have a nutritional deficit, foods packed with sugar and artificial colors and flavors, preservatives, and chemicals.

We actually take better care of our "things" than we do our own bodies! We change the oil in our cars every few thousand miles... we change the filters in our air conditioners... we clean out our pool pumps. When was the last time you paid attention to your body? When was the last time you cleaned out your own body's filtering systems - your liver, kidneys, colon, blood? Don't you think you deserve to flood your body - the ONLY body you have - with the healthiest ingredients on the planet? Don't you think you deserve to give yourself the gift of health?

My passion is YOU! Because I have been there... I have been where you are right now. The struggles and challenges you are facing have been mine as well. After living all of my adult life trying diet after diet with the healthiest foods from the produce section, after exercising for hours a day, becoming more and more exhausted and even gaining weight... after all of that, I finally found a system that not only replenished my energy and stamina, it FLOODS my body with the healthiest nutrients, and I am releasing weight without cravings or mood swings! How amazing is that? If it works for me, I know it will work for you as well!

If you don't take care of yourself now, who will? Allow me to coach you as you reach your goals of health and weight loss! Send an e-mail to beth@InSpiritLifeCoaching.com now and start your wellness journey with me! Health Coaching is COMPLIMENTARY with enrollment!

Blessings to all of you!
Beth

 

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May 16, 2009 - You Can Grieve Anything You Want... But When Do You Say 'Enough Is Enough'?

Amazing, this thing called Grief. You know, you're just going about your life, doing your thing, enjoying what makes you happy... then all of a sudden, out of the blue something happens "to" you. Someone you love dies, or the beloved pet that was part of your family dies, or you lose a job, or a friend walks out of your life. First you're feeling shock, then a bit of anger, then the depression creeps in and covers you like a wet wool blanket on a hot Arizona summer's day, smothering every breath you try so desperately to take. When will it ever end? Am I going to feel like this for the rest of my life? How does one stop grieving?

Well, who knows? The process is unique for every single individual on this planet. How many people are there on this planet anyway - 800 billion? I don't know, but there are a LOT of people! Each one of these people feels their grief differently, and in a different order, and for different lengths of time, and for many, many different reasons.

What I have learned is that 'stopping’ is not the answer! My husband and I are currently grieving the loss of his long-term job, his life-time career, a huge chunk of our income, and probably a few more things as well. We felt the 'shock', the 'anger', the 'depression'... all are stages of grief. We were sitting outside this morning in the shade of our covered patio, while watching the thermometer slowly rise, rise, rise past 80 degrees... 83 degrees... 86 degrees... it's shaded as well, so the sunny part of our yard has got to be well into the 90's by now, at 8:30 in the morning! The most beautiful part of my back yard is my chilean mesquite tree. I can get lost gazing at it, watching the branches flow softly in any whisp of a breeze there might be. I see a bird or two flitting across a branch, and one catches a tiny moth for breakfast. The lizards leap from the wall to the rocks below, catching their feast of silkworms that float on a nearly invisible strand of silken thread, their only tether to safety in the tree branch above. It's what they do, every day...

My husband and I can feel the tension in our necks and shoulders from the stress of the past few days. It's building. But then he said something that just made me laugh. I don't even remember what it was. But I know that at the time, it was so ridiculous, what he said, that I just couldn't stop laughing. And then he laughed. You know, it's true what they say: "laughter is contagious!" I'm happy to catch THAT affliction! We started talking about tomatoes... I have no idea why we chose tomatoes as our topic. But that led to growing a garden, and we listed off all the vegetables we'd like to grow someday, in our garden: tomatoes, potatoes, cucumbers, beans, carrots, peas, cauliflower, broccoli, lettuce. We'll can or pickle what we want, and we'll go to a local farm stand and sell the rest. It's about going back to basics, isn't it?

I looked at my beautiful tree... it is in need of some TLC. So I said to my husband, "time for some yard work." I got the pruners and clippers from the garage, donned my gardening gloves and a hat to shield myself from the blistering sun, and tenderly and lovingly pruned the overhanging branches. Then I clipped back our little shrubs. Graham effortlessly picked up all the clippings and tossed them.

We were smiling. We were proud of our little accomplishment this morning. The tension we were feeling in the backs of our heads, our necks, our chests... gone. We are breathing. I'm covered with hives... is it stress leaving my body, or is it that I'm allergic to my beautiful mesquite tree, or to the dust, or to the pollen? I don't know the answer to that. What I do know is that I feel better. Graham said he feels better. We stopped 'stopping'... we started 'being' back in life and in the swing of things.

So when do you say 'enough is enough'? Well, when you're ready. That's when.

 

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05/02/2009 - Did You Know About The 8th Chakra?

I came across some very interesting information the other day that I thought I would share with you. This was written by a gentleman by the name of Tom Murasso (www.tommurasso.com). Let's all open up our Clown Chakra... Please enjoy!

 

Opening The Clown ChakraShare

Recently, scientists have found that all our problems can be placed under one heading: Seriousness. Seriousness is the leading cause of disharmony.
Scientists from the Clown Academy have already discovered a new source of healing.

It is a psychic energy point located between the heart energy center (chakra) and the throat energy center (chakra).

It is called the "Clown Chakra."

If people are feeling miserable; if they have financial problems; if their relationships are in the pits; if they are in ill health; if they have a need to sue people; if they find fault with another; then their clown chakra is imbalanced.

When this happens, scientists have observed under high-powered microscopes that the cells of every organ display a sad face; and when the clown chakra is open and functioning normally, the cells display a happy face.

Who knew!

If a person is ill, it is because the mind has projected guilt or shame onto the cells of the body and has forced out the love that is normally found within the body.

The cells are therefore saying, "I Lack Love", or "ILL" for short.

Scientists also recently discovered that all disease is due to the fact that the cells are "out of ease" or "dis-eased."

When the clown chakra is opened and "playing" properly, the psychic mechanism sucks up misery, pain, anger, resentment, all grievances, unhappiness and so on, and then converts this negative and imbalanced energy into tiny red heart-shaped balloons.

The red heart balloons contain God's Love and Joy. These balloons are directed to the "dis-eased" cell or situation, and a happy face instantly appears.

When the light enters the darkness, the darkness is gone.

Sometimes these red heart balloons, called endorphins, are due to the fact that when anyone experiences them the feeling of separation ends - they experience being back home with the divine and hence are no longer an orphan.

This is the well known "end orphan" (endorphin) effect.

So if you think someone is attacking you, it is recommended that you visualize sending that person red heart shaped balloons filled with God's Love and Joy.

Remember to keep your clown chakra open, you must remember to laugh - seriousness also causes reincarnation!


And you thought all this spirituality stuff wasn't supposed to be fun!
-Tom
http://TomMurasso.com

 

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09/14/2008  -  Living In the Now

Monday through Friday I wake up to the alarm of our youngest dog barking for his breakfast. This usually starts at around 5:30 in the morning. Sometimes I roll over and try to go back to sleep, but his incessant barking at my husband as he prepares the dogs’ meals prevents quiet slumber, so I am up. I have a shower and get dressed, and come downstairs hopeful that the coffee will be brewing. Graham and I spend a little quality time together sipping our coffee, talking about our thoughts and making plans for our future, while periodically glancing at the clock on our cable box. We try to ignore the fact that 9:00 is fast approaching, because it is at that time that we begin our jobs. I am fortunate to be able to work from home as a nurse Case Manager, but sometimes my husband must make the 45 minute commute into the office.

My workday is planned out a week in advance, with a tight schedule of calls to be made to my patients. When the clock says 5:30, my work day has ended. At 6:00 our youngest dog will again begin to sing for his supper. At 8:30 we give him his holistic kidney remedies, and at 9:30 we give him another of his supplements. We like to get to bed no later than 10:00 because it takes about 30 minutes to drift off to sleep, and we like to be able to get at least seven hours of sleep at night, so that we can wake up somewhat refreshed and so that we can do it all over again the next day.  Saturdays are reserved for grocery shopping and visiting with friends. We sometimes go out for dinner somewhere, or watch a movie later in the evening. And then comes our Sacred Sunday, a day when we are free to go back to bed after the dogs are fed; a day where we don’t have to be out the door by 9:00; a day we can read, listen to our favorite music, or take a nap if we feel like it. We do not have a time table to follow on Sacred Sunday. We live in the moment, for the moment, and we are of the moment. We live in the NOW.  

As I write this, I am sitting in the living room of our favorite bed and breakfast in Sedona, Arizona. I have no idea what time it is - sometime in the afternoon, I presume, because of the shadows being cast against Coffee Pot Rock as seen through the window. My husband and I have  

 spent the last three days practicing the art of living in the NOW. When we arrived in Sedona for a long 

 weekend get-away, we decided that we would not maintain a schedule, nor would we let the clock decide when

 we should get up and eat breakfast. We made the decision that we would rise up out of bed when our bodies

 were ready; we would eat when our stomachs were hungry; and we would sleep when our eyelids grew heavy.  

 It takes practice, learning how to live in the moment. After all, we have been watching the clock our entire

 adult lives, haven’t we? For most of us, we go to college and try to get to class on time. We get our first job -

 can’t be late to work! We meet someone, fall in love, get married, have children - all on the clock. Then we start

 over again - we get the children up and ready for school and we live by their schedules. They go off to school, and the cycle starts yet again.

     

The point to my rambling is this: Shouldn’t we all make a habit of living in the NOW instead of the was or the might be? We waste so much of our short, precious time in this life looking back on the past, trying to understand why something happened, why we made this decision or that, or why someone once said what they said. We spend time trying to structure our future, plan ahead, and we tell ourselves “When ______ happens, we’ll be so much happier,” or “When we win the lottery, things will be better.” We spend so much of our “now” focusing on what "was" and what "might be", that we forget to experience the joy and peace of now, and before we know it, our now is gone, and we have entered our future, and all the plans we have talked about have never been put into action because we wasted time just talking about it and thinking about it, and finally it will never be.  

Focus your energy on enjoying the now moments of your life, rather than using up your energy projecting into the future, or reliving the past. The bottom line is this: The past is just that - the past. You cannot change it, no matter how hard you try. The future is irrelevant - it hasn’t happened yet. You can dream until your heart is content - and dream on! Dreaming is wonderful, and it's wise to plan ahead! But don’t live in a future that has not yet occurred. The only thing that matters is now. Are you ready to live in your NOW?

 

 

 

Inspire Your Desire...

It's YOUR Life!

"Joy is what happens when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are" - Marianne Williamson